Empowering Talks: A Guide to Early and Ongoing Sex Education for Parents
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As parents, the thought of discussing sex, gender, and identity with our children can be uncomfortable. The discomfort often stems from a desire to shield our children from the complexities of the adult world. However, the paradox is that by embracing these conversations, we create an environment where our children feel safe, heard, and empowered. Our ultimate goal is to equip them with the knowledge and understanding that contributes to a healthy and fulfilling life and that includes conversations about sex and sexual identities.
While it's tempting to shy away from these conversations, especially in a society that often exploits and dramatizes sexuality, being the go-to resource for your child is invaluable. As parents, our aim is not just to educate our children, but to cultivate a relationship with them where they feel comfortable coming to us with their questions, worries, and experiences.
Acknowledging that these discussions can be uneasy, you are invited to embark on this journey with an open mind. Understand that the landscape of sex, gender, and identity is evolving, and sometimes the unknown can be intimidating. However, this discomfort is a small price to pay for the profound impact it can have on your child's well-being.
From Diapers to Dating: Advice to Parents for Every Stage
Embarking on the journey of discussing sex, gender, and identity with your child might seem like a daunting task. However, numerous studies emphasize that the earlier these conversations begin, the more empowered and informed your child becomes. Beyond the initial 'birds and bees' talk, weaving discussions about bodies, relationships, and consent into everyday moments can have profound effects. Early engagement provides a foundation for a child to understand and respect their body and the bodies of others. It also establishes you, the parent, as a reliable source of information and support. This ongoing dialogue acts as a compass, guiding your child through the intricacies of life, relationships, and their evolving sense of self.
BABIES (0-2)
Use Anatomically Correct Names for Body Parts: Introduce accurate names for body parts during routine activities like diaper changes, baths, and getting dressed. This casual approach helps normalize these words and contributes to a healthy understanding of their bodies.
Talk to Your Baby When Touching Them: Engage in conversation during activities involving physical touch. This not only supports language development but also fosters trust in physical interactions, empowering your baby with a sense of agency over their own body.
TODDLERS (3-4)
Help Them Understand Their Bodies: During this phase of heightened curiosity about their bodies, assist toddlers in understanding and communicating about their bodies. Use accurate names for body parts and describe the various functions of each body part. Engaging in open and informative discussions will foster a healthy understanding of their physical selves.
Teach Bodily Autonomy and Healthy Boundaries: Toddlers are at an age where teaching them about bodily autonomy is crucial. Introduce the concept of private body parts and emphasize that these areas should not be touched without their permission. Encourage them to recognize and communicate their boundaries, fostering a sense of control over their bodies. While it's normal for toddlers to explore their bodies out of curiosity and self-soothing, guide them in understanding the importance of privacy.
Include Conversations about Emotions: Emotional intelligence is a key aspect of a child's development, contributing to their overall well-being. At this age, including conversations about emotions becomes essential. Building a foundation for emotional understanding and regulation early on will positively impact their overall development, including the formation of a healthy sexuality.
YOUNG KIDS (5-7)
Where Do Babies Come From? As your child enters this age range, intentional conversations about sex and babies become pertinent. Many kids at this stage start to wonder about the origins of babies and what sex entails. Address their questions with honesty while keeping explanations simple. Emphasize that the concepts might be a bit complex because sex is a topic meant for adults in loving and healthy relationships. Use this opportunity to introduce discussions about what constitutes a healthy romantic relationship.
Talk about Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation: Grant your child the freedom to express their authentic selves. By ages 5-7, gender identity and sexual orientation may already be manifesting, and some children may not conform to societal norms. Create a safe space for your child to explore their gender and sexual orientation. This not only protects and educates them but also fosters an understanding of diverse sexual identities. Acknowledge that some children may not comfortably fit into traditional gender roles or may have questions about various types of relationships.
Reemphasize Bodily Autonomy and Healthy Boundaries: Reinforce the importance of bodily autonomy and maintaining healthy boundaries. Remind your child that they have control over their bodies, and it's crucial to respect the personal space and autonomy of others. Avoid shaming them for exploring their bodies and encourage that behavior to take place in private.
OLDER KIDS (8-10)
Inform Them About What to Expect from Puberty: Most kids enter puberty in this age range or shortly after, and it's crucial that they feel prepared and supported during these changes. Cover the basics, including:
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- Educate them on hormones: Explain the role of estrogen and testosterone, which will cause changes in their bodies over the next few years.
- Normalizing changes: Emphasize that shifts in height, weight, and the sizes of body parts (hips, breasts, penis, testicles) are entirely normal. Discuss grooming practices such as deodorant and shaving. Reinforce the idea that these changes are healthy and part of growing up.
- Menstrual education: Regardless of gender, inform them about periods, the female menstrual cycle, and the use of tampons, pads, menstrual cups, etc.
Be Responsive to Requests for Privacy: Children in this age group may become more modest about their bodies, requesting privacy in situations they were comfortable with before. Be responsive to these changes, respecting their evolving need for personal space. This could manifest as a desire to shower alone or discomfort with nudity.
Address the Issue of Pornography: Given widespread access to the internet, children by age eight may encounter pornography. Ensure parental controls on devices and discuss pornography openly:
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- Comparison to adult activities: Analogize viewing porn to adults choosing to drink alcohol—it's not suitable for kids and can affect their perceptions of sex and relationships during brain development.
- Encourage openness: Assure your child that they can inform you if they come across porn without fear of punishment. Emphasize leaving the screen and notifying you immediately.
- Realism and purpose of porn: Highlight that porn is fictional, created for profit, and often targets young men. Stress that real bodies and relationships differ significantly from what's depicted in porn.
- Negative messages: Explain that porn can send inaccurate messages about sex and love, often being dehumanizing. Encourage critical thinking and discussion about healthy relationships.
PRETEENS (10-12)
Keep Home a Safe Place for Discussion: As your child enters the preteen years, maintaining an open line of communication is crucial. Regularly revisit previous discussions on topics like bodies, relationships, and sex. Actively inquire about your preteen's thoughts and feelings on these subjects while sharing your values with them.
Talk About Contraception, Healthy Relationships, and Internet Safety: Expand your conversations to cover a broader spectrum of topics relevant to their age group. Addressing contraception is fundamental to comprehensive sex education, emphasizing that understanding safe sex doesn't encourage premature sexual activity. Reinforce the idea that sex is for adults in healthy, loving relationships and involves significant emotional and physical responsibility. Stress the importance of waiting until they are older and better equipped to make informed decisions about sex and love. As your preteen's access to technology likely increases, revisit internet safety, cautioning them about the risks of activities like sexting and the importance of safeguarding personal information.
Engage in Conversations about Teen Pressures: Preteens begin to face increasing societal pressures. Initiate discussions about the challenges they may encounter, such as peer pressure, academic stress, and societal expectations. Emphasize the importance of making choices aligned with their values and well-being. Encourage them to express their concerns and ask questions, reinforcing that your home is a safe space for navigating the complexities of adolescence.
TEENAGERS (13+)
Build on Your Foundation: By this stage, you've already laid the groundwork for your teens to be knowledgeable and confident about their identities and bodies. Continue engaging in ongoing conversations about sex, pleasure, consent, contraception, and STIs. Be ready to ask and answer questions. While it might be uncomfortable initially, your teen will appreciate feeling heard and having their questions answered with understanding.
Move from Coach to Cheerleader: As your teens progress through adolescence, their independence will increase, leading to shifts in your relationship. Recognize that these changes are natural and healthy. While it's crucial to stay actively engaged and attentive, giving them the space to grow enhances your relationship and trust. Transition from a coach's role, where you are in charge and responsible, to a cheerleader who provides encouragement and support, understanding that significant choices are increasingly in their hands.
Navigating Peer Pressures and Relationships: Adolescence often involves navigating complex social dynamics and relationships. Discuss peer pressures, emphasizing the importance of making choices aligned with their values. Offer guidance on recognizing healthy relationships and maintaining open communication. Address topics such as consent, digital boundaries, and respectful behavior in relationships. Share resources that empower them to make informed decisions.
In navigating the vital conversations about sexuality and gender with our children, we take on a comprehensive journey spanning their entire development. From introducing basic anatomical terms in their early years to discussing more complex topics like consent and healthy relationships as they grow older, we, as parents, play a crucial role in shaping their understanding. As their primary educators, we transition into trusted allies, providing consistent support and guidance. This journey is not a series of one-time talks but a continuous dialogue that evolves with our children. By fostering an environment where open discussions are welcomed, we equip our children to make informed decisions, form healthy connections, and confidently navigate their identities. The importance of these ongoing conversations cannot be overstated—they are the foundation upon which our children build a comprehensive understanding of themselves and the world around them.
By Olivia Oropeza, Intern, SMART Couples, Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, University of Florida
References
Baker, E. (2012). A review of “What your child needs to know about sex (and when): A straight-talking guide for parents.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 38(5), 460–462. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623x.2012.711208
Johnson, V. I., & Backlund, G. R. (2018, September 18). Why having the sex talk early and often with your kids is good for them. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/why-having-the-sex-talk-early-and-often-withyour-kids-is-good-for-them-82879
Palmer, D. (2018, September 1). Talking to Your Kids about Sex: A Crash Course. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/tag/children/page/3/
Parenthood, P. (n.d.). Tips for talking to your kids about sex & relationships. Planned Parenthood. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/tips-talking
Porn-proof your child. Peaceful Parenting. (n.d.). https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/prevent-pornography-addiction-child-teen
Talking to kids about sex: An age by age guide. Talking to Kids About Sex: An age by age guide. (n.d.). https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/talking-to-kids-about-sex-an-age-by-age-guide
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